Enjoying Our Journey Together

My Grandmother

2011-01-13T09:07:00.002-07:00

In my Rose Garden of memories
I see you standing there
An angel in disguise
Who taught me how to care
I long to hear your voice
for real not in my dreams
I am missing you so much these days
how empty my world seems
People say time heals all wounds
that someday the pain will subside
But Grandma I can tell you
I think they must have lied
The emptiness I am feeling now
is strong and I am weak
These days go by without you
so dreary and so bleak
In my Rose Garden of memoriesI know you'll always be
for though you're gone
from this mortal world
In my heart you'll always be
~unknown~

Bitter Sweet Day

2011-01-10T15:14:00.004-07:00

Today is January 10th.

My little Jack-Jack turned two today. I look back at everything my lil' devil has accomplished and I've looked through all the pictures as he has matured from an infant into a full on rambunkcious toddler. My heart is full of pride and happiness.

But on this day is also a reminder of much sorrow. Although my Grandma will not have really made her last breath on this earth until the 13th, it is this day in which I had to do the very hardest thing I have ever done and that is say "goodbye". So to me this is the day she died.

I had full intentions of making this day a celebration for Jack and I had told myself I was not going to make his birthday a sad day. It wasn't until I had received the mail that I thought about it and everything came rushing at me like gun fire.

What started it was a birthday card for Jack, inside it was 2 $1 bills from my Aunt and Uncle. It wasn't until I saw this that it quickly hit me that my Grandma wasn't sending Jack a $2 bill, like she has with the other Great- Grandchildren. So, with this being realized so was the rush of emotions I was trying to avoid.

Sadness, Anger, frustration, Anger, Sadness... then peace.

It occured to me that I made it through the holidays & I can certainly make it through this next week. I'm still angry.

Angry that she was taken from me when I still had so much to learn. ....she's the missing link. I can't get those old stories, I can't get the names on the stinkin pictures (which she was told to do), I can't get the recipes I wanted. Why????? I scream. Sigh.

Ok, Jen....get it together.

Kids got fed, Jack down for a nap, the kitchen cleaned, cake made, JT's playing the Wii and I'm left alone to "think".

My emotional outbreak is done for the day... it's time to celebrate! Celebrate Jack's birth.

I believe she is here with me, even beside me as I type.

I look down, through budding tears and there it is. A picture of her with my children. It was like it was meant to be seen. It's one of her pictures that I gave her. It was the last time we were there with the children for Easter.

It occured to me...

She does live. She lives through me.

Happy Birthday Jackson.

Hard Holidays

2010-12-14T21:26:00.004-07:00

So it begins...I'm starting to feel the blues.
Christmas memories for me are of always having my Grandma with us on most Christmases . There are so many memories which include her.

This will be the first Christmas since her passing that she won't be here. I'm reminded of the little things, like baking her Ginger Snap cookies, missing the Peanut Brittle (which I'm not even going to attempt to make), playing the game Clue all day long, the socks & underwear...the listening to Alvin and the Chipmunks until our parents were about ready to throw the record away, lol...

I'm also reminded that a year ago this time she had already been diagnosed with terminal cancer and that it wasn't but a month from now I would have said my final goodbyes.

It's the little things, like not being able to call... that really chokes me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who sits at home during the day and cries. Everyone else seems to be handling it much better, either that or they hide it pretty well.

I know she'll be here in spirit though and it's those memories which help make future memories.