Bitter Sweet Day

Today is January 10th.

My little Jack-Jack turned two today. I look back at everything my lil' devil has accomplished and I've looked through all the pictures as he has matured from an infant into a full on rambunkcious toddler. My heart is full of pride and happiness.

But on this day is also a reminder of much sorrow. Although my Grandma will not have really made her last breath on this earth until the 13th, it is this day in which I had to do the very hardest thing I have ever done and that is say "goodbye". So to me this is the day she died.

I had full intentions of making this day a celebration for Jack and I had told myself I was not going to make his birthday a sad day. It wasn't until I had received the mail that I thought about it and everything came rushing at me like gun fire.

What started it was a birthday card for Jack, inside it was 2 $1 bills from my Aunt and Uncle. It wasn't until I saw this that it quickly hit me that my Grandma wasn't sending Jack a $2 bill, like she has with the other Great- Grandchildren. So, with this being realized so was the rush of emotions I was trying to avoid.

Sadness, Anger, frustration, Anger, Sadness... then peace.

It occured to me that I made it through the holidays & I can certainly make it through this next week. I'm still angry.

Angry that she was taken from me when I still had so much to learn. ....she's the missing link. I can't get those old stories, I can't get the names on the stinkin pictures (which she was told to do), I can't get the recipes I wanted. Why????? I scream. Sigh.

Ok, Jen....get it together.

Kids got fed, Jack down for a nap, the kitchen cleaned, cake made, JT's playing the Wii and I'm left alone to "think".

My emotional outbreak is done for the day... it's time to celebrate! Celebrate Jack's birth.

I believe she is here with me, even beside me as I type.

I look down, through budding tears and there it is. A picture of her with my children. It was like it was meant to be seen. It's one of her pictures that I gave her. It was the last time we were there with the children for Easter.

It occured to me...

She does live. She lives through me.

Happy Birthday Jackson.